If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
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Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Lmbo
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I’ve been learning to cook.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes