(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You Might Also Like
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”