I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
You Might Also Like
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
mariah carrie
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.