They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My dog when she hears popcorn popping