We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
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I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
“I FIXED IT!”
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
me opening up to someone
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*