NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Lmbo
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem