Cannot stop laughing at this
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Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans