Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!