25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
dictator is short for richard potato
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.