How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
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I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I just ran a .003048K
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.