“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
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When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
WHY?!
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
(Gaming support cat.)
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.