ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
You Might Also Like
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I am never leaving this website
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.