Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel