Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
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Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
#MeanwhileinCanada
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.