If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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felt cute might bury dad later idk
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Cha-ching is my safe word
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.