The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am