TEETH IS INNOCENT
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My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.