1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
$3 #books
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”