Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
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I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy