no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
work smarter, not harder
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”