If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha