[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
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[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.