Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Good dog. ❤️
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
This cat wants you to take your pills
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.