ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
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It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on