Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Coffee is ready.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.