I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.