Not today. 😅
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Ha.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.