$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.