Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
sensitive skin
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum