Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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