Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
what day is it?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer