10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
😂🤣😂🤣
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.