Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.