excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown