cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Who’s your best friend?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My beach vacation Google searches
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination