It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
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[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
The Struggle
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
A wise man once said nothing.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan