Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
No. YOU-buprofen.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*