Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
It’s a gift