Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My boss called in sick of me
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.