My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.