If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
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My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”