Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“I wouldn’t.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.