I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
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Yes, but it was never about money
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay