I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?