Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
You Might Also Like
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!