What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
my first day as a raccoon
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.