You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
You Might Also Like
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
FRED: right
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch