[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
This is amazing.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.