[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
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But I really needed water water water
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.