Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.